So lately I've been struggling a lot with my desires. It's really bad. For example, there is a house in my mom and dad's neighborhood that I LOOOOVE. One of my good friends in elementary school grew up in this house, and her parents still live there. It's totally modern, on a wooded lot with lots of space and beautiful landscaping. I drive by it every day on my way to drop off Skye. And every day I find myself thinking about how I will decorate and remodel it. I rack my brain trying to remember some of the details of the interior of the house so that I can decide which dining room set I would like to have and where I will put the baby grand piano that I have yet to own.
It's sick, isn't it? But yet this desire for more and better things totally consumes me. And I'm tired of it! It extends to more than just the house. I want to be skinny again, I want to quit my job and be a full-time mom, I want to spend more time volunteering, I want to clean my house from top to bottom, I want to remodel my bathroom, I want a blue spruce. And the list goes on and on. Some things are attainable, some things are completely ridiculous. The problem is that all of these wants are all-consuming. And somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I not only want these things, but I deserve them, and I CAN and WILL have them. What? What, Kate?
I don't understand why I keep thinking these things. I did not come from a wealthy family. My parents provided for all of my needs and most of my wants, and I was happy! I watched my parents sacrifice SO much to provide for my brothers and sister and me. And to this day they still do it! They are the most selfless people I know, and while I really want to be like them, I find myself in this materialistic world where I just can never have enough.
I have struggled for a loooong time with contentment. When Skye was born it kind of went away for a little bit, and things were great. But with each passing day, the mom guilt strikes me harder and harder. I hate to leave Skye every morning to drive to work. And I like my job. I am so thankful for my job, but I am so torn. Being a mom is the most wonderful thing in the world, but it can really suck sometimes.
And then there is the issue with budgeting my time. I work 40 hours a week, 8 hour a day. I see Skye for about 2.5-3 hours every day. That's it! That sucks! And during those few hours I have to get ready for work in the morning, cook dinner at night, and then throw her in bed. NOT COOL! So the entire time I am struggling to be productive while still trying to engage my toddler. Then on the weekends, I feel guilty when I want to take time out to hang out with my friends or do something by myself because I know that Skye is waiting for me at home wanting nothing other than to pull my hair and scratch my face. And you know what? When I finally have the time to be there for her, she's not going to want me around.
So this is my dilemma: I believed the lie that I can have it all. And now even though I know it's not true, I'm stuck still trying to make it happen.
1 comment:
Katie, that's so hard! I'm sorry that things are rough. I can understand the "I wants." I have a list myself. But you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting some time to yourself, or wanting to quit your job and stay home or even for wanting a blue spruce! Just sit down and make a comparable list of things for which you are thankful and that will help keep everything in perspective. That trick helps me a lot at night when all I can think is, "Please sleep more, Lydia!" I just remember that I'm blessed to have a healthy baby and that she will eventually...hopefully...learn to sleep! You're doing great and love you bunches!
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